People who were my classmates during my freshman year of high school were surprised when we had classes senior year and I was cracking jokes and talking in class. As a kid, there were plenty of people my age who read Harry Potter and similar stories, but as I grew up the number felt lower and none of the people I knew who were as obsessed about it as I was looked like me. School became a challenge socially.
The stereotypical black woman consists of rolling necks and short tempers. My family has always been the one of the only black families in my neighborhood. Still, as I get older I am much more able to pinpoint what my problems are and then figure out how to address or get around them. Some things are better to walk away from. People assume that being quiet or reserved automatically means you have no personality. Many people would be shocked if they could listen to the conversations that I have with myself in my mind. The loud black woman gets more attention than us because they put themselves out in the open. There needs to be a balance in the images of black women. People are so quick to think the negative, instead of the positive. I think I could be entertaining without yelling, screaming, cursing, and fighting. I do feel I missed out on a lot but my quietness and shyness has kept me out of a lot of trouble. School became a challenge socially. I hope to share more with you my brutal truth and I would love to hear your similar experiences. While being shy is still something I am learning to really deal with, I do acknowledge that it has also played a positive role in my life, allowing me to fully explore the realm of books that began my journey as a nerd. While there is a long list of things that have contributed to my being a nerd, I believe that my shyness is pretty high on that list. When I am in comfortable spaces, I am an introvert. Letting people control your emotions is a sign of weakness, if you allow people to make you snap and go off or if you feel you need a tough exterior. I think the expectation for me to to be loud with a bold personality comes from that stereotype. Because I grew up being teased for my physical apparence and personality, I began thinking I was supposed to be a certain way and that there was something wrong with me. Black people for centuries fought to be accepted for who they were, so to not accept someone of your own race, because they are different from you is very hypocritical. As a kid, there were plenty of people my age who read Harry Potter and similar stories, but as I grew up the number felt lower and none of the people I knew who were as obsessed about it as I was looked like me. I wonder why I never see any black women on television who are like me. I was outgoing and extremely loud as a toddler but became shy after starting school at the age of four. I often think do I want to fix myself or am I satisfied with myself. I would freak out and be extremely quiet there was an entire year in the 5th grade when I almost never spoke. Ever since experiencing traumatic teasing and bullying due to having minor cerebral palsy and the death of my dad at the age of eight in second grade, I have always felt anxious in my day-to-day life.
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