It's just the most obvious place, and a place that's as good as any. Our acts against oppression become integral with self, motivated and empowered from within. While that can make us feel uncomfortable, or mean we have to make hard or difficult choices sometimes, we usually wind up feeling way more uncomfortable and unhappy if we try and force ourselves to do things that don't feel just right instead of going with our own flow and respecting our wants and needs when it comes to sexual pacing.
Doing something we don't really want to, don't feel able to handle or aren't ready for is usually going to feel way worse than holding back on something we want to do and do feel ready for. They need to understand that this is what they're going to be and you expect them to respect them and not try and push back on them at all. Once you have a better hold on that, you can also write down what changes you need to make, and then share them with anyone you need to and you'll probably be able to express yourself with way more clarity and confidence than you might have otherwise. So, sometimes when you feel a desire for sex you can try feeling those feelings in your body in a different context, like by dancing, doing some yoga, bringing it to whatever your sport is or into some other kind of movement with your body instead. So, when you want to chill out a bit with a partner, that can be an awesome opportunity to spend more time on and with your solo sexuality. Can you imagine trying to learn to drive the first time by immediately going onto the freeway? Are we all very lucky no one died? But that's just not true: Maybe you're not feeling confident enough about your body or your gender identity to be sexual in some ways, so are whizzing ahead to others not so much because you want to do them, but because they're ways you can appease a partner where you don't have to get naked or have them look directly at your genitals. It's not always easy to be honest with ourselves like this, especially if it means addressing hard or scary issues, being real when things aren't as great as we'd like them to be, or accepting that even though we'd like to be ready for sex or a sexual relationship, we're just not. It's something most people have done and many people do even when they have sexual partners, because masturbation and partnered sex aren't the same thing. How do you pull back the reins and slow it all down? But if you can take the plunge and just go to those places, then act from that honesty, you're going to feel a lot better, and so is your sex life. If not, think about what you'd need to feel differently. But it's not like you don't know these can be some big, powerful feelings, and that they can potentially result in some big, powerful stuff, and not just big bad stuff, but big good stuff. Chances are that while you're hanging back a little, you'll get a better idea of what you need to feel more comfortable moving forward, and you can talk about those realizations together as you have them. You need to say something very directly and set very clear limits with your words. Sex should also always be something that is about and reflective of us and where we really are at with it: While that can make us feel uncomfortable, or mean we have to make hard or difficult choices sometimes, we usually wind up feeling way more uncomfortable and unhappy if we try and force ourselves to do things that don't feel just right instead of going with our own flow and respecting our wants and needs when it comes to sexual pacing. If you have a male partner, you can help by making sure you express that you always want the pace to be right for both of you, that either of you can always ask to slow things down, and that you know that somebody having certain body parts or a certain gender does not ever mean sex is always going to feel right or be the right thing for them. The other parts not only usually have a whole lot to do with what's going on sexually, they need just as much time, attention and energy as the sexual aspect does. And sometimes what felt like the right pace for a while can later feel way too fast in hindsight. Or, you can use them to boost creativity, putting that energy into your creative work. You can also ask a partner to help you hold a line. And while it might seem like sex should feel right because you're in a certain kind of relationship, or have been in one for a certain length of time, because you have certain feelings, because you're a given age or because you feel the desire to be sexual, none of those things mean that sex at a given time will feel right, even if it feels right for a partner or did for you before. Talking about sex can not only better ensure sex is right for everyone involved, it often gets us just as close, and sometimes closer, to each other as having sex can.
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