In our case, this was when Emma was a junior in high school and had a steady boyfriend. She is 17 and just had her first kiss last year. I've always told her when she is ready she should be mature enough to approach me and we can get birth control, but if she can't then she's not mature enough to be having sex. I explained that this should only occur when she was older, more mature and in a committed relationship, and that it should be reciprocal, if she so desired. What that meant over the years was rather than trying to have a single, all-important, have-to-get-it-perfect talk, we were able to discuss different subjects more casually, broaching them as they came up—first date, first kiss, first boyfriend.
Can we go home now? This is her 2nd most serious relationship and I thought they were not sexually active. She is not a "worldly" girl though and I just want to address it right, without further damaging our trust in each other. I admitted I didn't feel comfortable being overly permissive, I prefer to not know when they are doing it, but I also want them to be prepared and responsible and respectful. How do I punish her? I wanted her to know that it was always okay to talk to me. When I was finally done, she stared at me, shrugged her shoulders and said: Finally, I told her that even though I thought she was too young, if she decided to have sex with her boyfriend, I would help her get birth control—no questions asked, and no judgment rendered. Last night I came into the rec room to her going down on him on the couch trying to hide with a quilt-unsuccessfully. And, of course, I told her that you could get a sexually transmitted disease from oral sex. She gets straight A's and has a good head on her shoulders. I said that having sex complicated relationships and that the older she was, the better able she would be to handle it. I know this is natural but it's about time, place and boundaries with me. They both seemed unaware thankfully. Thanks again for everyone's candid remarks and kind words. So I sat down with her and had the discussion. As moms, we have no real role models in this regard. I told her I would set up an appt for birth control and buy her condoms and she interjected that she wasn't ready for that yet, and that she knew I told her to come to her but when things progressed she didn't feel comfortable. I explained that this should only occur when she was older, more mature and in a committed relationship, and that it should be reciprocal, if she so desired. But it is, in fact, the sex talk—the anticipation of exploring with their daughters issues of love, intimacy, relationships and the mechanics of sex—that seems to flummox otherwise smart, accomplished, open-minded, articulate women. I will take any suggestions thanks. Do I punish her? There is no standard message that fits all families. I asked her what she thought I was most upset about and she said that the younger siblings were present. And the entire exercise signifies that our daughters are growing up and away from us, which can be emotionally difficult for everyone.
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